Facebook Memorial

                Emily Liebert’s Facebook Fairytales captivated me from the moment I picked it up.  So much so that I couldn’t even stick to the ten chapter requirements, and I read the whole thing.  I was fascinated by the ways in which Facebook has served so many real-life purposes beyond just social networking.  For this blog, I will discuss the chapter “Heaven Sent” in tandem with a chapter that was not required called “Driving Force,” as they each hit very close to home for me.  This post is going to be a therapeutic one for me, as these two vignettes solidify what I learned about Facebook almost 3 years ago.

                In January of 2008, one of my very dear friends, Tim, fell down the dark, steep basement steps of another friends’ house. It was the middle of the night and the boy whose house it was, along with some other guys that spent the night, were sleeping two stories above Tim in various bedrooms. It wasn’t for a little while that any of them heard Tim groaning and yelling in pain from the basement.  By the time someone found him at the bottom of the steps, he couldn’t move or speak coherently, and it was clear that something was very wrong.  Long story short, he was rushed to a local hospital where he spent the next week fighting the battle of his life. He underwent brain surgery on his frontal lobe, during which he contracted a bacterial infection that was slowly killing him.  He was on a breathing tube as he couldn’t function on his own, the infection was spreading to his organs, and his body was completely shutting down. He was allergic to the medicine he was given to fight the infection, and his body was too weak to fight the allergic reaction. He was pronounced brain dead shortly thereafter, and his family took him off life support. This is the chronology of what ultimately brought his fun-filled, successful, incredibly fruitful life to an end on January 26th. Needless to say, the lives of so many people have never been the same since that day and Tim is missed more than can be put into words.

                But, where does the Facebook connection come in?  From the minute all of our friends found out that he was in the hospital and struggling, his best friend created a Facebook group called “TIM MCMULLAN IS THE MAN,” (because he was, and is), which was used for keeping friends, family, coaches, teammates, classmates, etc. updated on Tim’s status and recovery.  Although we were able to visit Tim at the hospital, and countless people did, he was in a coma and could never respond to what we were saying to him as we cried by his hospital bed. Because no one could muster the confidence to visit every day and see him in such a wretched condition, hundreds of people turned to Facebook to provide sympathy to Tim’s family and get well wishes to Tim. After the tragic days of his wake and funeral, the local Herald started up a Memorial group for Tim on Facebook, and used many of people’s posts to put together a printed version of this electronic grave site all of his friends had created.  They took bits and pieces from everyone’s messages to Tim and his family, shared memories and enabled the community as a whole to commemorate the life of an incredible young man. This relates to the stories Liebert told as the wife in “Driving Force” used the Facebook status feature to update her husband’s friends about his progress.  Similarly, the father in “Heaven Sent” created a Facebook group called In Memory of Jessica Elkins as a way to manage the heartache of all people impacted by his daughter’s death.  Moreover, the story explains that he wrote messages to his daughter via Facebook every day for 2 years as a way of “keeping [their] connection alive and maintaining [his] faith.”

                While these were touching stories and undoubtedly brought light to another very personal use of Facebook that has evolved since the website started up, it was nothing I was shocked to read.  I’m sure everyone has seen these groups on Facebook, if not been a part of them, but the fact that I could foresee this use for social networking and would use it in such a way at 17 years old is something that I struggle with every day.  I wish with my whole heart that I never had to be exposed to such a thing on Facebook before they became a very popular means of mourning, because of course that would mean that my friend never passed away. At the same time, however, I thank God every day that I have somewhere to share my thoughts with Tim and tell him the things I would if he were still with us today.  Being away from home for 2 years since he passed has made it hard to physically visit his tombstone as often as I would like, but Facebook has enabled me to “visit” him as often as I want or need to and see the things other people are saying to and about him.  Being able to see on a public site like Facebook that other people are still struggling with his death brings me peace of mind that I am not alone and makes me glad that he still receives so much love every day.  Even if he is not here physically with me, our friends, and other loved ones, he will always be present virtually and will continue to impact our lives.

                So, despite the fact that I saw this particular use for Facebook coming years ago, I think it is important to point out and for everyone to realize that Facebook is more than social networking. It is becoming bigger than just keeping in touch with friends and communicating with people we haven’t seen in a while. It is more than just being social. It is for being emotional; it is for remembering; and it is for recovering. Facebook allows people to live on in social media, even if they unfortunately don’t have the opportunity to live on in real life.  It is a type of therapy for the people who have lost someone they love, and it is an online grave site for the person who has passed on.  The only difference is, the site can be visited with one click of a button and those visits can be posted, chronicled, and remembered forever, just as the individual will be. From personal experience, I can undoubtedly say that without this ability to communicate that was enabled by Facebook, there would be a lot more sadness and a lot more tears on part of those who are grieving.  The fact that I can stay in touch with Tim and connect with him whenever I want is the one thing that gets me through every hard day I spend wishing he were here. I love you, Timmy! R.I.P :-)